It's OK...

I wanted to launch my blog with a first new post that was fun and exciting but sometimes sad things happen…

So let me start by saying “It’s ok” – this is a phrase that has come across my mind a lot these days and I have had to truly believe in it. Secondly let me say this post is going to be long… but it will be 100% coming from my heart.

It was the day after Fourth of July and I woke up feeling nauseated we had gone to a party the day before and I drank but not excessively and not anything out of the ordinary. Something in the back of my mind just said maybe I’m pregnant why else would I be feeling this way.  My period was not due for another two days but never the less I said let me just take a test to be sure. All I had at the time was the cheapo little strips that they use in the doctors office. I had some because I had recently purchased ovulation strips and with them came a few pregnancy tests.I opened it up and followed the instructions peed in a cup dipped the strip in and laid it flat on my sink counter. I remember flushing the toilet getting up to wash my hands and before I could even get the soap on my hands I glanced over and there were two lines already there and very dark.

A dozen things ran thru my head and one of them was this is probably just a false alarm and this test for all I know could easily just be wrong besides I still technically have two days before my period is suppose to even be here. I went on to wash my hands and left the bathroom. I chose not to say anything to my husband (Jeff) yet as I was truly convinced it was wrong. I went about my normal day as usual and went to work. All day while at work I kept thinking I should really take another test that was new and give myself some peace of mind. On my lunch break I went to Target and got a First Response early detection test that said it could detect pregnancy 5 days before your missed period. I waited all day and decided I would take it when I got home that night. When I got home from work I went and took the test and once again before I could even set the test down two pink lines showed up again. Now I was really freaking out but just figured I would keep it to myself for as long as I could.

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Long story short Jeff and I were not “trying” to get pregnant. I always thought I would be the girl to never have kids and we would just spend our time traveling as we always did. Just recently did we really start talking about it and my mind changed. It was like one day I woke up and had this yearning to start a family and become a Mom. My Husband was not against it ever but he also played the card of “What if” and took to the responsible adult side of finances and who would stay home, who would take care of the baby ect ….Something just told me that when it happened we would figure it out as everyone always does.  Fast forward to the fact that I am now really pregnant and somehow I can’t find it in me to even tell him. I was literally so scared and had no idea how he would even react.

Over the next few days I woke up every single day nausea’s and couldn’t stomach the idea of eating anything but saltine crackers and ginger ale. Anytime I am sick or even hung over this is my go to diet simply because it works. I posted something on my Instagram story that day and captioned it “Breakfast of Champions” and it was saltines and ginger ale. I honestly didn’t think anything of it at the time however; I instantly got a message. One of my BEST friends (who’s name I wont mention) said “are you sick or are you pregnant”? My heart started racing with fear and I immediately thought to myself I shouldn’t tell after all I hadn’t even told my husband yet. But something inside just said tell her it will make you feel better when someone knows. So I replied and said well… and then sent her a picture of the two pregnancy tests I had taken. She was so excited and every message after that was so exciting and thoughtful. She then responded with “Well I have to tell you something too” and I said OK. Immediately I just knew that she was pregnant too and sure enough I was right. I was then even more ecstatic because this was something we would now get to do together and I wouldn’t be going into a new part of life alone. We exchanged several texts after that and I found out she was about 2 weeks ahead of me. I then finally came to the part and told her I still hadn’t told Jeff. I remember her saying “he is your husband you need to tell him” . I totally agreed with her and said you’re right I am going to tell him tonight. She responded and said “Good, text me after”.

That night I came home from work and Jeff and I were talking about where/what we were going to eat. As always we couldn’t decide on a place and I finally just said you pick. I went into the bathroom to pee before we left and noticed that my garbage can had been emptied. Then I said to myself Jeff cleaned up the house today surely he saw the pink pregnancy wrapper in the can because now it’s gone. My heart once again raced and I said to myself “He knows”… we got in the car and started driving to dinner and a text popped up from my friend “How did it go, did you tell him yet” I smiled and responded with “No, not yet I will when we get to dinner.”

We arrived at one of our favorite go to spots Bone Fish Grill and I remember saying to Jeff “This is what you picked” and he said “Yes, is it ok”? Of course I said “oh yea it’s totally fine”. In the back of my head I was thinking I usually always get ahi tuna from here but now I can’t have raw fish…we went in and went to the bar where we always sit and our bartender greeted us. Jeff ordered a glass of wine and I ordered a bottle of water. He asked if I wanted wine and I just responded with No, not tonight. Again I am thinking he really knows….when it came time to order our entrees I ordered my usual house salad and just a plain chicken breast. I thought for sure by now he would have said something to me like “What is going on” but he didn’t. We continued our dinner and when the bartender came back she asked him if he wanted another glass of wine. He told her No that he was good but I interjected and said “Yes, he will have another one” in my mind I thought if he’s had a few drinks he will take this news so much better….. we finished dinner and were driving home (I still hadn’t said a word) and once again my friend texted and said “Well…..?” I responded again and said “I didn’t tell him, I can’t tell him I don’t want him to be mad” She responded again with “Angelique he’s your husband and he wont be mad, trust me you will feel so much better” I never responded to her but I did let out a big sigh and say “Oh boy”…. Jeff turned to me and said what’s wrong, what’s going on, why the big sigh ? I finally just said “Well I have to tell you something” and he said “OK” – I paused for a minute and then just blurted it out and said “I’m pregnant” his face lit up and he smiled bigger then I have ever seen him smile. He said “No way” I looked right back at him and said “Yes way” he hugged me and then said do you have another test you can take right now and I said as a matter of a fact I do, I bought a package and it came with two. We went into the bathroom together and I took another test once again two pink lines popped up right away. He looked at me and said “Yep, your pregnant” we hugged that night for longer then I can even remember and I was so relieved that he knew and that he was also as excited as he was. He also had no clue like I thought he did, we talked about this and had a nice laugh.

The next few days I didn’t tell a soul not anyone at work and not any of my other friends. I had an upcoming family trip planned for the Bahamas and figured it was best to go ahead and tell my Mom since she would be the next one to find out as well. I had wanted to tell her the same night I told Jeff but she was out to dinner and it just didn’t plan out that way. So we met for breakfast the next day and we told her. She jumped out of her seat and was so happy just as I was sure she would be. That same night we had dinner with my Dad and sister and I told them as well. I made sure to tell them both that it was so early and I didn’t want to announce or tell anyone else yet. They both agreed and told me they wouldn’t.

Then that weekend we left for the Bahamas and all of the girls took the private plane and we would meet up with all of the guys when we got there. We went with another family that my family is friends with and before I knew it they knew the news too. I started to get mad and kept on saying to Jeff that I really didn’t want anyone else to find out. During the trip I spent a lot of time with my Mom and her friends and everyone was very happy and supportive. It was probably one of the best trips and I kept thinking how nice it was to be able to go on one last family vacation before I started the next chapter in  my life.

Days and weeks went by and I remember just reading my app daily to understand what was going on in my body. I was so tired I wondered some days how I would even keep my eyes open. I made my first appointment with my OB/GYN and remember thinking soon I will get to see a tiny blob on the ultrasound and hear that sweet heart beat. Time was going by so slow and all I could  think was this is really killing me not being able to talk about this with anyone else. I also remember every day/night just feeling so happy and filled with so much joy. Even Jeff had totally changed and had said some of the sweetest things to me he was really getting excited and it was an entirely new side of him that I had never seen before.  I was so excited that we would be parents and thought on top of it I would get to share the experience with my friend. There was literally nothing that could have made me mad or stressed. I was over the moon happy and felt so content with everything going on around me.

Then Sunday July 22nd I remember going to the bathroom and when I wiped there was what looked like brown dark blood. I immediately grabbed one of my books and started reading, I read in my book and online that spotting was normal and happens to a lot of people during pregnancy so I took a deep breath and said “I’m ok, don’t over analyze this” I went about my day and every time I went to the bathroom again only when wiping  was there a small amount of dark brown blood. That night we went to dinner with my family and my Mom had gifted me with so much cute maternity clothes, I had mentioned to her that I wasn’t a fan of the maternity section at Target even though it was my favorite store. I remember being at dinner and having to pee more then usual and the last time I went the blood seemed to be turning more of a bright red and had started to actually come out in my pants. I didn’t say anything to anyone and we finished dinner. When we left we got in the car and I remember saying to Jeff “I think I should go to the hospital” he responded with “What ? Why”? I went on to tell him what was happening and he just said I think your fine lets go home and you can rest and we will see how you feel in a little while, I agreed and we went home. I laid in bed for a while and I remember every time I went to the bathroom it seemed like the bleeding was getting worse. The last time I went a few clots came out and I just burst into tears. I went back in the bed room and said “We need to go to the hospital, it’s getting worse” Jeff jumped up out of bed immediately and said “Ok, lets go”. The entire car ride I couldn’t stop crying I had read so many different things and I didn’t know what to believe or what was happening to me. We got to the ER and were instantly greeted by the girls at the front. They brought me back and asked me what was wrong and why was I there then took my vitals. I remember them asking me how far along I was and I responded with almost 8 weeks. I had to pee in a cup and give a sample of my urine, after that I was brought to an ER bed and asked to change into a gown. Shortly after the on call doctor came to see me and once again I had to give all of my reasons for being there. She went to get a nurse and they came back and gave me an exam. She ordered an ultrasound and blood work. She then told me they would be up as soon as they could. When the ultrasound tech came in she was first of all very pregnant which made me sad to see. All I could think was I will never get to look cute like that.  She then went over the process and explained how they would go about doing the scan. She scanned me and didn’t say much other then the Doctor will read the scans and be back to tell you more, good luck I hope you feel better soon.

About an hour later they came in to start an IV and take my blood. They then told me it would be another hour or so for those results to come back. An hour later the original Doctor came back in and explained that they didn’t know what was wrong but it appeared that my body was having a threatened miscarriage. She said things could possibly get better but that it wasn’t looking good. Jeff asked a bunch of questions but I just couldn’t find any words to say or the strength to even ask anything. The nurse came back and explained that since I have O- blood type they would be giving me a shot of RhoGAM for my safety and to prevent any further problems if in fact something changed and I didn’t end up having the miscarriage. I was advised to follow up with my regular OB/GYN doctor the next day for further review.

We went home finally about 3 am and all I could do was hysterically cry. I found myself asking why over and over in my head. I couldn’t understand why something that I wanted so badly finally came and in the blink of an eye was being taken from me. Since that was a Sunday night I sent an email to my work advising I wouldn’t be able to come in the next day. I called my Mom the next morning and told her what had happened. She called my doctors office for me and they advised I needed to come in that day. All day was a major blur and I just couldn’t find any strength. My mom kept saying think positive thoughts and maybe everything will work out. Jeff and I went to my appointment that day and spent a long time with my Doctor. He went over in detail with me all of my labs and tests and basically told me the same thing. He said “I am sorry this is happening to you but believe it or not its very common” he also said think of it as a blessing because my body already knew something was wrong and was able to handle it naturally.  I kept replaying those words in my head but somehow I still felt like I had done something wrong and I was being punished for it. My Dr also reminded me that in recent testing he had done since I switched practices my blood work not to long back had indicated that I was not ovulating regularly every month. This was likely due to my history of being on birth control pills since I was 16 years old. He said remember you just started regularly ovulating in March and if you were able to conceive in the end of June that is a very good sign. He said I believe you wont have any other issues when you try again. Lets also not forget you guys weren’t even really trying. He then said something that I will forever remember “This is just a bump in the road” we left that appointment and the minute we got in the car I lost it once again. The following day I had to go back twice for blood work. My Doctor wanted to confirm that my HCG levels were continuing to drop. As expected they were….

Thankfully that week I was able to work from home, I just wasn’t ready to go back to the office and have people ask me what happened or if I was ok.  I honestly wanted to not see or talk to anyone. I researched and read as much as I could and tried to find strength in myself. I kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason and I am truly a believer of just that. I also reminded myself that I didn’t want to have a baby that was unhealthy so this was what was best. It still sucks and still hurts and when March comes I will once again be reminded when my friend has her baby of this time.   Sometimes we cant control everything in our lives and that is just life.

If I have learned anything it’s we have to remember that God is in control of our lives always. All we can do is pray. My friend also shared something with me that sticks in my head still as well – Ask. Believe. Receive.  – Jeff and I both agreed as soon as we can start trying we really will this time and I can only hope and pray that everything will work out the next time around. My rainbow baby will come and when he/she does its going to be a magical experience. I already know it. “The greater your storm the brighter your rainbow” But for now we will continue to travel and enjoy life as we know it.

My main reason for wanting to share my story is because this is not something anyone talks about. I totally  understand why after going thru it. I did find a few blog posts where people were brave enough to share their stories and thought this is what I need to do. Maybe one day someone like me will stumble upon it and it will help them as others have helped me. I am never asking or looking for sympathy because that just isn’t me. But if just one person reads and benefits from it then I will know it was the right thing to do.

This blog has been something I really wanted to dive into head first and for other reasons I just never sat down and got started. So for now the bad news brings out my first post but it will certainly not be the last. Every day is a new day and I am thankful for everyone who has reached out to me and been supportive in this process. “With out the dark stormy days we can’t have sunshine and rainbows.”

I will stop here now and just say one more thing “It’s OK” 

#ihadamiscarriage